The Curse of the Good Girl

​Everyone knows what a Good Girl is supposed to be like: perfect, confident, intelligent, and athletic, all while being a polite follower who cares deeply to please others. It is hard to be a female in our society without feeling the pressure of the Good Girl or later of a Good Wife. 

Ten years ago, 74% of girls said they were under a lot of pressure to please everyone. A majority said they were expected to speak softly and not cause trouble. I suspect this pressure has only gotten worse over the last 10 years. Yet, to always be kind and selfless is impossible, "making Good a finish line girls never get to cross. As a result, girls who aspire to Goodness are ruthlessly hard on themselves... Girls become their own worst enemies... Good Girls are doomed to fail," says best selling author and girl expert Rachel Simmons. If you or a girl you love suffers from trying to be Good instead of Real, read The Curse of the Good Girl.   



I find the second half of the book helpful, where Rachel gives tips on how to let go of societal pressures and live life more authentically.  She helps you be more real. 


First, help your daughter (or yourself) understand her feelings, the ones she shows on the outside and the ones she experiences on the inside. Help her understand that there is no right or wrong way to feel and that she is the only person who can say how she is feeling. Even negative emotions are important and need to be acknowledged. 

Once she can identify her true feelings, then she can learn to speak her truth (which most girls avoid) through "I Statements." 

• "I felt [emotion] when you [specific action]"
• For example, "I felt hurt when you laughed at me at lunch when I told you my favorite movie was Harry Potter."
• Avoid saying "you," "always," "never," or attacking the character of the person you are speaking to. Keep it about you.

Help your daughter understand assumptions. An assumption is a decision you make about something without having all the details. Help your daughter understand how her assumptions affect her reaction. 

• For example, if you daugher says "I can't believe she didn't say 'hi' to me in the hallway." If she assumes, "She must be mad at me" then she will likely feel hurt, leading to thoughts about "What did I do?" "Who has she told?"  Those assumptions may result in her being cold with her friend at lunch which may cause drama.  
• Remember to identify the assumption and how it affects emotions, thoughts, and actions.
• Next, teach your daughter to be suspicious of her assumptions. Come up with alternative reasons, while understanding that she may never know the real reason. Uncertainty is ok and a part of life. 

Throw hinting out the window. In a relationship, people are responsible for communicating their thoughts and feelings directly. If a friend is dropping hints, don't reward the behavior by asking "What's wrong." Instead ask, "Is there something you're trying to tell me? I would really appreciate it if you could be direct."

The "Rules of Engagement" for face-to-face confrontation are:

• Rule #1: Leave the past in the past.
  •  If you bring up past issues when a friend makes a complaint, you are teaching your friend that you hold grudges. Such a response makes whatever she is trying to tell you essentially meaningless. 
• Rule #2: Keep the conflict one-on-one. 
  • When you bring other people into your conversation or even mention other people, you are showing your friend you cannot be trusted to keep things private. 
• Rule #3: Curb the impulse to overreact.
  • When you cry in public, you inadvertently communicate, "Don't criticize me because I can't take it. You're better off not saying anything at all." 

Finally, here is how to solve conflicts:

1. Affirm the relationship: Say something positive about the relationship.
2. Use an I statement.
3. Say your contribution.
4. Ask how you can solve this together.

Here is what it might sound like:

"I really like working with you on this project, and I also felt hurt when you made a comment about my clothes in front of our lab partners in science class. I'm sorry I didn't save you a seat in class. Perhaps you can text me before class next time if you want me to save you a seat."  

Women, it is important to be clear and real in our own relationships in order to be happy and have true friendships or intimacy. Help stop the self-deprecating, dis-empowerment of women. Be a role model. Teach a young lady how to be real with herself and real with others. It is the honest and brave thing to do.  



Keepin' it real,

Stephanie Patterson, MS, LMFT
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